Going through a separation or divorce is not easy. When it's just the couple, the two of you, that's hard enough. But, when you have children, there is a whole other layer of complexity that is added, along with a steady road of learning how to navigate family dynamics going forward.

For me, it was just over twenty years together, through two rounds of his cancer treatment, when I finally said to my then partner, we were at a time where I needed us to separate. We had tried various counseling groups for 3 years prior to that.  

Through my experience I have learned that my emotions affect my energy and way of being with others. So, I have incorporated an arsenal of tools to support regularly giving myself grace and finding harmony with myself, for my son, and for the three of us together as a family living apart. I have also learned to give myself grace and adapt to things that arise such as unexpected visits, gatherings at our friends group, or disagreements with parenting approaches.

My key mottos and practices that I give focus to and that have been helpful to me in are:

• Gratitude
• Open lines of communication
• Establishing boundaries
• Incorporating time for self-care for rejuvenation
• Remembering to Let Go!

As a family caregiver for over the last 20 years, I have finally come to learn, and continue to get reminders (when I get triggered), that putting myself first and ensuring my energy and my needs are met provides me the capacity, energy and adaptability to then be in the best space to listen to my son, to be sensitive to his needs and be open to let things go, more and more.  

Self-care for me can mean so many things, big events or small ones that I sneak into my day. I listen intuitively to my body and soul as to what she needs in the moment throughout the day: Is it going outside to breathe in some fresh air for a few minutes?  Is it a 20-minute nap so I can be more productive for the rest of my day? Or perhaps it could be meeting up with a bestie whose energy always cheers me up.

Establishing a regular routine to start my day off and making time to take care of me has been a game changer in terms of finding balance in my day.  I wake up early so that I can sit quietly, breathe, and bring gratitude into my being. As the saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty bucket. My typical practice trends look like this: sitting in silence, focusing on my breath and filling my heart with love and gratitude: for me being present in the morning, for me having the gratitude for my family and that I have two bunny rabbits who help us through stressful moments (who can not smile when looking at those adorable creatures?), and so on.

Keeping lines of communication open has been tremendously helpful in finding moments of balance. With my ex-partner, we don't have to communicate a lot, but enough to come to an agreement with the big things. I keep him informed if I myself, or our son have any key medical appointments or when I have had to head to the ER. If something happens to me, he still needs to step in, for the sake of our son.

With my son's father, knowing that we will always be connected because of our son has helped put things in perspective around how we work together when it comes to our son.  It's important to set boundaries for things such as the time our son has to be home for bed, his nutrition, or homework assignments that need to be completed.

I remember to let go when I can, particularly on the things that may not matter as much. For example, is it really important that I have my son volunteer at an event (just because I want him to have that experience) even when he is exhausted and needs his sleep? For me, letting go can actually bring me relief or a sense of calm. Letting go helps me calm my stresses or worries.  

As for our son, I look for opportunities to bond with him, at the stage he is in. If he recommends we end the evening watching a show together, I jump on that offer to sit and relax on the couch with him, laughing at a show together.   It’s in those moments, just being together, where our connection deepens.  

Find more resources to support your child through separation and divorce at https://keltymentalhealth.ca/separation-divorce