Separation or divorce can bring up strong feelings of shame and guilt for both parents and children. It helps to understand where these feelings come from and how to handle the added stress they can create.
Where do these feelings come from?
- Social stigma. Labels like “broken homes” can make parents and children feel their family’s situation is their fault or something to be ashamed of.
- Personal expectations. Parents might feel they’ve not met their parenting goals or expectations. They may feel like they have failed or they have let their children down in some way. This can lead to feelings of shame and guilt.
- Children’s self-perception. Kids may worry they caused the changes, especially if they sense tension or hear negative comments.
- Cultural norms. People may feel guilty or embarrassed if they don’t meet the standards or expectations of their family or culture.
How can I manage the stress that comes with these feelings?
- Acknowledge that parenting is challenging. All families go through tough changes. You are not alone. It’s normal to experience feelings of shame and guilt sometimes.
- Connect with others. Share stories and support with people who have gone through similar family changes. It may help you feel less alone and less stressed.
- Show compassion. Approach these feelings with the same understanding and compassion you would offer a friend or family member going through this same experience. Find more on self-compassion here.
- Learn from other parents’ experiences of shame and guilt in parenting here. They share some ways they manage the stress that these feelings can create. This Kelty Centre Where You Are podcast episode with Dr. Angela Low also discusses the role of shame and guilt in parenting and offers strategies to work through these feelings.
