Grief is what a person experiences when they lose something or someone close to them. People often associate grief with the death of a pet or loved one. However, people can also experience grief after any important loss in their life. It impacts people emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. The person might feel numb, anxious, sad, heartbroken, angry, scared or guilty. They might even feel relieved or peaceful at times. They might also have very negative thoughts or act out.

Everyone experiences grief differently and for different periods of time. Feelings may also be stronger or less noticeable, based on how important the loss is and people’s different ways of coping and expressing feelings. 

People may feel grief when they:

•    Lose a loved one (a pet or loved one dies)
•    Break up with a partner
•    Move away
•    Have parents or other family members who divorce
•    Lose a job
•    Lose an important possession
•    Are diagnosed with a life-changing or terminal illness/disability
•    Expect to lose someone or something (a loved one is very sick)

Grief is natural, and many people often need to experience painful emotions before they start to feel better as time passes. Some people may need a bit of extra support from a professional to help them through a difficult period.
 

Children and youth may grieve differently than adults. Young children may not be able to describe how they feel and their age may affect how they react. For example, a child that loses a grandparent may not seem bothered until an important holiday comes and the grandparent isn't there or a certain experience brings up memories of that person.

A child or youth may show they are grieving by the way they behave. 

• Physical: Headaches, tiredness, numbness, crying a lot, unable to relax, stomach aches, nausea.
• Emotional: Sadness, anger, anxiety, disbelief, despair, guilt, relief, loneliness, numbness.
• Mental: Forgetfulness, distraction, confusion, worry about the wellbeing of others, difficulty making decisions.
• Behavioural: Changes to sleeping patterns, dreams or nightmares, changes to appetite. They may experience unexpected emotional reactions or feel weepy. They may act out aggressively or "misbehave".
• Social: Isolation or pretending like nothing has happened.
• Spiritual: They may question their spirituality and blame a high power for allowing this to happen.
   

Grief at different ages

Infants may feel grief but not understand things like death, illness or loss. They may show signs that look like separation anxiety such as:

• looking for the person they've lost
• crying
• clinging to caregivers
• temper tantrums

Preschool children may understand that their loved one isn't around anymore, but not understand concepts like death. They may hope or expect the person to return. They may have a short tolerance for sadness or anger so need to experience grief in small doses. It may look like the child doesn't care or isn't bothered by the loss. They might also believe that their own thoughts, actions or wishes caused the loss. The child may use pictures or other items to feel close to a loved one that left or passed away. In preschool aged children signs of grief may include: 

• sleeplessness
• nightmares
• clinging behaviours
• acting out, being disruptive, having temper tantrums
• going back to old behaviours like wetting the bed, wanting to use a bottle
• not seeming very bothered by the loss
• talking as if the person they lost is still present
• acting out their loss through play
   

Children aged 5 to 9 may try to make sense of death or loss. They may have a lot of questions about what happens when people die or worry about talking about it in case it upsets others.  They may start to think they can "catch" death or develop a lot of fears, like the fear of dying. They may take words literally, so if you say a loved one is "gone," the child might be angry that no one is looking for them. Children at this age may also still believe that their thoughts, actions or wishes caused the loss. In children ages 5 to 9 signs of grief may include:

• nightmares
• restlessness
• bedwetting
• school difficulties
• lack of appetite
• fear of being alone
• having a hard time playing with friends or doing schoolwork
• carrying around pictures or items that remind them of someone they've lost
   

Children aged 9 to 11 may have the same general understanding of death and loss as an adult but may not be able to express their thoughts and feelings. They may find comfort in family, and cultural beliefs and values. In children ages 9-11 signs of grief may include:

• Become very quiet or very talkative (can happen at all ages)
• Worry a lot about the future, their health, and the health of loved ones

Youth aged 12-24 may understand death as an adult would, but have a hard time with bigger questions, like the meaning of life and death. They may feel at odds with their desire to be independent and their desire to help the family through a loss. In young people ages 12-24 signs of grief may include:

• may try hard to look "normal" to fit in with their peers
• may hide their feelings or avoid them by keeping very busy
• may feel guilt about not grieving in the same way others are
• may turn to risky behaviours like alcohol or other drugs, thinking they can't be harmed and this is a way to "test" death
   

Your child's behaviour may seem odd or upsetting. The most important thing is to help them feel safe and secure.  Be mindful that they may be having feelings below the surface that they are not sharing with others.
 

Routine

Keep to a regular routine as much as possible, especially for younger children. This can provide the children with some predictability and control.  If you are not able to participate in that routine, try to find other people who are close to your children, to help with supporting the family.

Be honest

Tell your child the truth in words they understand. This may help to lower feelings of fear or anxiety. Children and youth can often tell that something is wrong and may have trouble trusting you if they feel like you aren’t being honest. If you have any religious or spiritual beliefs about what happens to someone after they die, you may want to share that with them, as this may help children find some meaning in the loss.  Don’t overwhelm them with information that they may not be able to take in. Ask them if they have any questions or anything they want to talk about and answer their questions as best you can. If you don't know the answer, say that you don't know. 

Listen

Make time to listen to your child's thoughts, feelings and opinions. Be open minded. Encourage your child to express their memories, fears, sorrows, relief, regrets, anger and guilt. Talking won't make the grief worse, although it may bring up emotions. Let them know that strong feelings are normal and it's okay to grieve. 

Encourage and reassure

Validate their feelings. Activities like storytelling and play help younger children express themselves. They may have very real fears about death and abandonment and may wonder who will take care of them. For older youth and young adults, let them know they may experience a wide range of emotions. Give them permission to laugh and feel happy if they want to.

Model healthy ways to grieve

Children and youth learn from parents and others close to them so it’s important to look at your own behaviour and think about what they may be learning from you. Talk about your feelings and accept support when you need it. If you show grief, it helps your child understand that it's okay to show grief. It also helps them see that everyone grieves differently. But be self-aware, extreme emotions can be stressful for a child and make them feel that they need to take care of you.

Prepare and educate

Help children or youth prepare for new situations like visiting a loved one in the hospital or going to a memorial service. Talk about what they will see and what will happen, so they know what to expect. Talk about events where they will be missing that person (for example, family gatherings or cultural events) and find a way of honouring the person or recognizing the change.

Include them

Let your child decide how involved they want to be. Some children and youth may want to visit a loved one in the hospital or go to a memorial service, but others will not. Parents can also help by including their children when they talk about an expected loss, like when a relative is very sick.

Let young people find help

Young people may prefer to talk with someone outside of their family who may listen more objectively and with less emotion. This may help the teen work through their own feelings.

Keep the topic open

Grieving takes time. Your child may re-experience loss during holidays or other important times. Let them know they can talk about their feelings no matter how much time has passed.  Don’t stop talking about your loved one.  It can be comforting to reflect on fond memories of that person.

If a child or youth is having a hard time continuing with life after several months, it’s best to talk to a health care professional, such as a doctor or mental health professional. They can help the child work through their feelings. Here are signs that a child may need some extra help coping with grief.

• They aren't interested in social activities like playing with friends for prolonged periods of time.
• They have a hard time with schoolwork or refuses to go to school.
• They stay very focused on the loss.
• They seem very sad or hopeless.
• They have a hard time trusting others.
• They have a hard time eating or sleeping.
• They are often scared of being alone.

You can access a mental health professional by: 

• Getting a mental health assessment and support through your local Child and Youth Mental Health team (through a walk-in intake clinic in your community)
• Contacting your Employee Assistance Plan (EAP), if you have this option
• Contacting a private psychologist or counsellor

Looking for more information on this topic? Connect with a family peer support worker at the Kelty Centre to discover additional resources, learn more about support and treatment options, or just to find a listening ear.