Suicide is not an easy subject to talk about and it can be very difficult to learn that a loved one is struggling with thoughts of suicide, particularly when it’s a child or youth in your life. While suicidal thoughts can seem scary and overwhelming, it’s helpful to remember it’s not shameful or unusual for families or communities to experience . If you or someone in your life is having thoughts of suicide, you are not alone.

In many cases, having thoughts of suicide is not about wanting to die, it is about wanting the pain to stop. When a person is having thoughts of suicide, they are likely feeling intense emotional pain and are unable to see other options as possible solutions to their pain. Often, they feel like they are a burden to others, and are filled with a sense of worthlessness, self-hatred, rejection or hopelessness. While they may not actively seek it, people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts are often open to (and greatly benefit from) support from others. 

While most children and youth who have thoughts of suicide don’t act on them, it’s important to take all thoughts of suicide seriously. It’s not useful to try to determine whether someone’s thoughts of suicide are “real”. It is also not helpful to disregard thoughts of suicide as “manipulative” or “just a cry for help”. Even if a child or youth does not intend to attempt suicide, thinking or talking about suicide is a sign that they are in acute distress and need support. 

There are many different reasons for having thoughts of suicide, and these may change over time. It is important to remember:

• Suicide affects children and youth from all social, economic and cultural backgrounds.
• It is complex and no single factor causes someone to think about suicide.
• In many cases, thoughts of suicide are linked to other mental health challenges, such as depression and anxiety.
• There is no one type of person who thinks about suicide.
• Parents and caregivers are not to blame.
• Social connection and talking about suicide openly are key to prevention.

Suicidal thoughts can happen once in a while, or regularly over a long period of time. Those who get through periods of suicidal thinking say that talking openly about their thoughts was helpful, as well as being able to connect with resources that helped them deal with the underlying issues.

Many people worry that talking with a loved one about their suicidal thoughts will make the suicidal thoughts worse. However, talking about suicidal thoughts and understanding them can actually reduce suicide risk. Talking to a trusted person about suicidal thoughts can help youth feel better, especially when the response is nonjudgmental and supportive. In fact, feeling connected to and supported by others is one of the strongest protectors against suicide.  

Most of the time, if someone is having thoughts of suicide, they will try to tell someone. However, because of the shame, stigma and fear surrounding suicide, they are usually careful about who they talk to. It’s not uncommon for parents and caregivers to miss signs that a child or youth is struggling with suicidal thoughts, or to be unsure of what to do if they see changes in their child’s behaviour. 

Consider the following situations:

You’ve been noticing changes in your 15-year-old. They are much more argumentative, withdrawing from social activities and resisting school. You’ve noticed they aren’t hanging around with their established group of friends and their writing is darker and more preoccupied with death.

Your usually confident 19-year-old in first year university is having panic attacks and not getting the grades they used to. You notice they’re drinking more alcohol, have started drinking alone in their room and are avoiding school.

These situations may seem like common adolescent behaviours. However, they may also be the signs that a youth is thinking of suicide. In both of these situations, thoughts of suicide may be present, or they may not.

Trust your instincts. Does your child seem different? Is something about their behaviour troubling? Seek support if you are unsure. Pay attention to the signs that someone may be thinking of suicide.

Changes in behaviour that are linked to suicidal thoughts include:

• Mood changes (for example, seeming sad when they are usually happy, getting angry or annoyed more easily, being really happy when they usually wouldn’t be, or seeming “numb” or indifferent to many things)
• Withdrawing from friends and activities they used to enjoy
• Increased and/or heavy use of alcohol or other drugs or substances
• Reckless risk-taking, such as doing dangerous stunts or driving while drunk
• Engaging in self-harm
• Increased irritability or aggressiveness
• Skipping school
• Being overly preoccupied with death and suicide (for example, writing about death, drawing pictures about death)
• Body language (for example, even if they say they’re fine, they may show their true thoughts and feelings through their posture, facial expressions.)

Comments that may be linked to suicidal thoughts include:

• Talking or joking about suicide: “I just want to off myself.”
• “I wish I was dead.”
• “Nothing will ever get better.”
• “Nothing ever goes right for me.”
• “What’s the point in anything anymore?”
• “All of my problems will end soon.”
• “No one can help me.” 

This is a list of common signs. What’s most important is to notice any worrisome changes, regardless of whether they are on this list. Trust your instincts.

Once you’ve noticed signs that suicide may be something your child is thinking about, the next step is to make space for a conversation about what you’re noticing. Honest, respectful dialogue and support are key to preventing suicide. Opening up the lines of communication is the first step in helping a loved one.

• Acknowledge that you’re worried and let them know why. For example, share what you have observed. Then, ask open-ended questions to help them talk about what’s going on for them. For example, “You’ve been talking a lot about feeling sad, and I’ve noticed you haven’t been spending time with your friends. Can we talk some more about how you’ve been feeling recently?”
• Ask about suicide directly, showing care and concern. Let them know what you’ve noticed that has you concerned they might be thinking about suicide. “You seem really down and are talking a lot about feeling worthless. I heard you say you wish you were dead. Sometimes when people are feeling this way, they are thinking of suicide. Are you thinking about suicide?”
• Asking about suicide in this way shows that you are paying attention, that you care and that you are taking the situation seriously. Understanding that other people have thoughts of suicide also helps normalize the thoughts, which may reduce any shame or self-judgment your child or youth may be feeling. It will not give them the idea and does not increase the risk of a suicide attempt.

If you notice the signs of suicide in a child or youth, but feel that you cannot ask them directly, please reach out to a family member, friend, suicide help line (1-800-SUICIDE, or 1-800-784-2433), or mental health professional for support. It’s important that a caring adult opens up a safe, supportive conversation with them and help them build a plan for safety.

What to do if your child says they are having thoughts of suicide

• Take a deep breath and stay calm. Tell them that you are glad they told you. Take them seriously.
• Listen carefully and without judgement to what they say, even if it’s difficult to hear about or understand fully.
• Let them speak without interruption. Try not to fix their problems or provide counselling.
• Ask if they have a suicide plan. People are usually at higher risk if they have a specific plan. This may include how or when they plan to act on the suicidal thoughts.
• Encourage your child to talk to a mental health professional. “I’m glad we are talking about this. Let’s look together for a professional that can help.”

If they do not want to talk to a mental health professional, let them know why it’s important and tell them in a caring way that you would like them to consider. For example: “I hear that you don’t think you need to talk with a professional, however, I want to make sure that you have the best support possible. It really matters.” 

As a caregiver, you can often pursue supports for your child or youth without their agreement, but mental health care tends to be most helpful when the child or youth is “on board.” Being patient and working as a “team” can really help. For example, you can look at different resource options together and ask for their preference, or suggest they try talking to a therapist once to see how it feels.

Sometimes youth feel afraid to talk to a mental health professional as they may worry they will be hospitalized against their wishes. It may be helpful to know (and to reassure your child) that this will only happen if they are not willing to work on staying safe.

Stay with your child if they are feeling unsafe. If they have a safety plan, review the strategies for staying safe with them.

What can be done about suicidal thoughts and behaviours?

Mental health professionals, like psychiatrists, psychologists or counsellors, can check how someone is doing and help make a plan for staying safe and feeling better. This plan usually has two parts:

• Short-term ways to help someone deal with upsetting thoughts and feelings right now.
• Long-term ways to fix the problems that lead to these thoughts, like depression or anxiety.

Longer-term approaches may include medication and therapy. For example, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy that was developed to help people manage thoughts of suicide and other difficult thoughts and feelings.

It’s important to know that there is no quick fix or “magic pill” to make suicidal thoughts disappear. Getting better can take time, and suicidal thoughts may return from time to time. "This doesn't always mean things aren't getting better, especially if your child is talking to someone they trust and following their safety plan."

For more guidance in carrying out a conversation with a child or youth about suicide, visit this online resource: How to talk to a child or youth about suicide, by The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention.

Tips for Caregivers

It’s natural to feel shocked, confused, guilty, frustrated, or angry when you find out someone you love is thinking of suicide. While attending to the emotional needs of a child or youth, it is also common to overlook your own well-being. Supporting someone with thoughts of suicide isn’t something to deal with on your own. Be realistic and acknowledge boundaries in your role as a parent or caregiver. You may find it particularly helpful to talk to someone you trust: a friend, partner or mental health professional. If you’d rather keep things private, you can also get support from telephone and online services, such as:

• 1-800-SUICIDE Helpline (1-800-784-2433)
• A local crisis line
• Online chat through youthinbc.com (12-24 years) and CrisisCentreChat.ca (25+ years)
• A counsellor through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), or privately

It can be helpful to take some time out for yourself to do the things that make you feel comforted. It’s important to remember that you’re best able to support others when you’re taking care of yourself. Showing the youth in your life that you’re willing and open to look after yourself through a tough time models the importance of seeking help and prioritizing mental health and self-care. As practicing self-care often includes connection with friends, family, pets, spiritual practice or nature, this also models the value of connectedness, which is shown to be linked to overcoming thoughts of suicide.

If your child is at immediate risk and has tried to end their life or they are threatening to do so in the near future, call 911 or go to your local hospital’s emergency room.

Do not drive them if they are violent or may interfere with the safe operation of your vehicle. In this situation, call 911.

If it is not an immediate emergency, there are other options for support. If possible, seek agreement from the child or youth in your life to get help from another source. 

• Connect with a mental health professional.
• Call the BC Suicide Helpline 1-800-763-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE). This service is available 24 hours, seven days a week across the province.  This free service is a priority line, answered by staff or volunteer crisis responders, that provides safety planning and follow-up support to help with short-term safety and connect to longer-term resources. You can phone the helpline by yourself, or with your child or youth.
• If you have access to a family doctor, book an appointment, and if possible, attend with your child or youth.

Seek your child’s help in finding professional support, if possible. Suggest a few different resources and ask them what they feel would be most helpful for them. It is important to remember that having thoughts of suicide is a common experience and that accessing support and building positive, life-affirming connections helps to prevent thoughts from becoming actions. 

Looking for more information on this topic? Connect with a family peer support worker at the Kelty Centre to discover additional resources, learn more about support and treatment options, or just to find a listening ear.