Each of my kids has a birth story. It is a story I love to tell them about my pregnancy with them centering the day they were born. I love to tell them this story especially around their birthday. It is a story of love, fear as there were complications with all pregnancies, hope and extreme joy when I first got to hold them.

But for one of my kids that story became hurtful. Right before their 14th birthday, my kid Isabelle approached me with sadness in his eyes and asked, “Mom are you disappointed?”. I asked “Why?”. They replied “You know that photo you always show me when I was born. You were so happy to have a girl. Are you disappointed that I am not a girl?”.   

You see, there is a photo of me holding Isabelle for the first time. There is so much emotion behind this photo.  After having a miscarriage, then coming close to miscarriage with my son and then being hospitalized with Isabelle and coming close to risking the pregnancy due to a severe kidney infection, this moment felt like there was nothing else that mattered in the world. I remember the doctor saying to me “you have a girl” and I just burst out in tears with all the emotions. “I have a girl” I repeated in my mind as I could not utter the words. I loved showing this photo to Isabelle and telling them this story. 

Isabelle’s words tugged at my heart as I realized how the words “I have a girl” have now turned a different meaning. I sat with a heavy heart for a long time while validating Isabelle’s experience. And then it came to me. I knew I cannot undo the story, but I can rewrite it. With Isabelle’s permission and help I proposed that I write a letter and re-announcement of their birth and send it to people in our lives that fully care about us. This is the letter.

“Isabelle, I am so sorry if I ever made you feel that your gender is what I was celebrating.  I am not disappointed. Not even a bit. You are the most authentic, beautiful, caring person and you are just the kid I ever wanted.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where we are conditioned to assign a gender at birth and celebrate the binary world of female/male genders.  How hurtful is that for those children who grow up not identifying as either.  It Is enough that every day these children, youth, persons hear messages that their existence is up for debate. That their human rights are being decided by politicians. That people we know elect and vote for those politicians. That they don’t feel safe in the world. But it is another thing to feel that their existence is a disappointment to a parent.   

So this is a new announcement of Isabelle’s birth.  

Isabelle then: born November 17, 2006. 

Gender at birth: a beautiful human   

Weight: barely 7lbs

Isabelle now: 14 years old 

Gender: Trans/Non Binary beautiful human 🌈 

Weight: who cares ???

Pronouns: He/They (super important)

Welcome to the world Isabelle. Thank you for being my teacher. You are a change maker, a force to be reckoned with.  You are making this world a better place to live.”

Isabelle is now just short of turning 18 and thriving. They just entered their first year of university after years of homeschooling/distance learning and are studying psychology and gender studies. Their goal is to become a therapist who helps young people who are on their gender journey, and their care givers by providing gender affirming care/therapy.

Thank you, Isabelle, for everything you have taught me. I draw on this experience while I support caregivers and parents whose children are on their own gender journey. We cannot take back our past stories but we can always rewrite them and give them new meaning.  It is this ability that allows us to grow, repair, heal and thrive.